Thursday, December 15, 2011

Alone No More...

A funny thing happened a few weeks back.

One morning I awoke after spending a night of being VERY ill, the majority of which was spent VERY near the loo.

You will be spared the gory details.

Needless to say, after a night of "sleeping" on the bathroom floor, curled in a fetal position using a rolled up towel as a pillow, I was in NO shape to stand up. let alone go out into the world and make my way thereabouts.

As I had a headache and to move any part of my body for any reason left me feeling nauseous and dizzy, I didn't call or text or email or tweet or Facebook anyone regarding my condition. As I have in the past, I was just planning to suffer though my seasonal bout with the flu in the stoic manner that I like to think I do.

The next day the nausea and had abated sufficiently that I was able to call and text and email and tweet and Facebook.  Upon checking Facebook, texts and tweets, I saw that several people had contacted me asking where I was, if I was OK and to call or text or Facebook as soon as I could.

Something was amiss.

This was not what usually happened.

I was not quite sure how to deal with this.

Let me address some relevant background info. The majority of the last twenty or so years has involved me lying, deceiving, cheating or in general being a terrible human being. People that had the misfortune of crossing paths with me usually went away worse for the experience. I would imagine that if you take a survey of my former bosses, friends, co-workers, roommates and significant others, you would find that the majority of them have negative memories of me.

The end result of this has pattern of behavior is that I have VERY few people in my life whom I can say that I am close with.

That now appears to be changing.

People contact me to see if I wish to do things - get coffee, go shopping, take in a movie, eat lunch, etc.

These people know of my past, they know of my misdeeds yet they don't care.

They accept me for me - the good, the bad and the worse.

On pages 83 and 84 of the Big Book of AA , we read The Promises:
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it...Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change...We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
This is happening for me.

I am amazed that people care about me, wish to spend time with me and seek me out for help.

I am starting to know a new freedom and a happiness that comes from knowing that people know about my past and they don't care.

I can see that my attitude and outlook on life are changing in that I am not hiding my past, my troubles and my current situation - underemployed, broke and in recovery.

I suddenly did realize that G-d is doing ALL these things for me because I most certainly am not capable of doing this for myself.

Be well, do good work and keep in touch.

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