Food, Faith and Freedom

On January 18, 1999 I was release from the Montana State Prison after completing a 2 year stint for bad checks and forgery. The first thing I did upon my release was to find some non-prison food and thoroughly enjoy it. 

It wasn't lobster. 

It wasn't filet mignon. 

It was McDonald's - a Big Mac, Diet Coke and french fries to be exact. 

To this day, it is one of the most memorable meals I have EVER eaten. I remember the saltiness of the fries, the smell of the hamburger as I opened the bag, the sheen of the table as I slid into the booth, the coldness of the soda as it passed from the straw to my tongue. It remains as visceral and stark as if it happened this morning.

Until recently, no food has ever had such an impact upon me...


I found freedom in food.

Whenever I meet someone who has been in prison for a substantial length of time, I ask them "What was the first thing you did after you were released?" Almost 100% of the time and without a moment's hesitation they will reply "I went to get something to eat."


They find freedom in food. 

Now I don't have any quantifiable data to back up my observations and I am not a psychologist in any stretch of the word, but this seems to align perfectly with food being a central part of the base level of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. 

Fast forward to late summer 2011.

After my latest sad attempt to find acceptance through deceit and dishonesty, I found myself drawn to a church in Denver called House for All Sinners and Saints, hilariously abbreviated HFASS. Now I don't call myself a Lutheran. Depending on who you ask, I may not be a Christian. What I do count myself is a Child of G-d and that is how I approach my involvement in this community that has embraced and accepted me.

As an Evangelical Lutheran Church in America (ELCA) affiliated congregation, HFASS practices open communion - that the invitation to Lord's Table is between Christ and the individual and no human may interfere in that sacred exchange. This  idea - that even clergy presiding over the Eucharist doesn't have the authority to deny the children of G-d an invitation from Heaven - was quite revolutionary for me.


I am no theologian and I don't have a fancy seminary degree. 


I study rocks, possibly the farthest thing from theology.  


In my experience, the Eucharist boils down to this: eat and be free.  

At roughly the same time this concept began to intellectually take hold, Occupy Denver sprang up. Because I am a whore for a cause, I went down to Lincoln Park to see how I could become involved. Almost from the first day I found myself assisting with preparing, cooking and serving food to the Occupiers. What grew out of this came to be known as The Thunderdome - a free kitchen serving mostly organic, lovingly made food.


We served free food to free people.


Our unofficial slogan was "This Is What Democracy Cooks Like."


The Thunderdome was open 24/7/365. Anyone, regardless of race, class, orientation, gender, appearance, affiliation, religion could come eat at anytime. We treated people with dignity and respect. Our little food stand became the heart and soul of Occupy Denver.


Then one night, when the air was crisp and the moon was high, they came for us.


This is a theme. It is a thing


Across the US, wherever people are giving away food to others, those in power seem to have a problem with it.


This is nothing new. 


One of the main reasons Jesus Christ was put to death was because of his disruptive influence to the Roman Empire. He was called many of the same names as Caesar - King of Kings, Son of God, Prince of Peace. He did many of the same things as the Emperor - looking after the population, healing, providing comfort, performed exorcisms. 


Jesus Christ also fed people.


The night before His Crucifixion, Jesus told his disciples ‘This is my body, which is for you: this do in remembrance of me.’ This links directly with His teaching in John 6:35 where Jesus teaches "I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry."


For what it is worth, that is my totally non-official non-treatise on my faith, my food and my freedom. 


Be well, do good work and keep in touch. 

To Infinity...and Beyond

My brain is no longer a volatile mixture of booze, cocaine and insanity. The booze and cocaine have been removed and by the grace of G-d, the insanity is down to an almost tolerable level.

One benefit of this decreased volatility is my increasing ability to notice things that had previously escaped my attention.

Things like patterns of events and synchronicities that have been popping into my world.

Antecdotes and experiences others relate to me - both in and out of the rooms.

Running into friends, classmates and others right at the time I happen to be thinking of them.

Messages in books, on signs and overheard in conversations that oddly coincide with ideas, concepts and things I am wrestling with.

This past week I was able to put these newfound observational capacities to use.

For two months, I have been attending classes at Metro State here in Denver where I am studying Geology. Part of my science curriclum involves a math class wherein we are learning about various types of infinities - big infinities, small infinities, etc.

Continuing on...

Within the past week, I attended several different meetings wherein someone seemed to invariably say something to the effect of "I don't have that much time in the program..." This statement strikes me as odd and self-defeating for two reasons:

1. AA by it's nature is not competitive, but rather collaborative, and
2. You only have as much time in the program as you have. (If that doesn't make sense, please bare with me, and it might.)

So after hearing this so many times, I felt it necessary to share on it and what follows is an inexact retelling of that share:

I haven't attended school or taken a math class in 15 years so when I try to understand why I need to know about infinity to work with rocks, I become confused. So I don't try to understand it. Rather I just attend the class, do the work and see what comes of it. Now I have learned there are different levels of infinity. There is the infinity that you see when you look up at the night sky. That is a big infinity. Them there are the infinites that exist between numbers. Those are small infinities. Those are the infinities between numbers like 1 and 2 and 3 and 4. We can chop up the space between numbers into smaller pieces and get numbers like 1.5 and 2.7 and 10,685,392.1678. We can keep chopping until we get numbers like 1.05 and 1.005 and 1.0005 and 1.0005 and 1.00005 and 1.000005...ad infinitum...

What this means is staggering to me: the difference between 1 day do sobriety and 2 days of sobriety is the same as the difference between 1 day of sobriety and 10,000 days of sobriety and that is infinity...

If I haven't drank or drugged today I have 1 day of sobriety and infinite sobriety...

Such is the weird and wondrous nature of my journey into a spiritual solution...
Be well, do good work and keep in touch.

Turning Point

Yesterday something happened.

While it was not what I had wanted to happen, I was moderately ok with what did happen.

In the past, my first reaction would have been to attempt to exert some sort of ham handed control over these events, circumstances, trends and the people ancillary to them.

How did that work out?

People ended up hating me.

Courts locked me up.

Not one person involved came out better for the situation.

One of the things that I am learning since coming into the rooms of AA is that I don't have any control over people, places, and things and when I think I do, the results are only negative.

Yesterday marked the first time on my journey into sobriety that I didn't engage in the aforementioned behavior which for me, was revolutionary.

For a single moment I stopped and did nothing.

For a single moment I was just there with my circumstances.

For a single moment I just existed with all of it.

What I did was acknowledge it for what it was - a court ruling. Then I finished my coffee and made a few phone calls to people who I thought should know. They summation of those conversations went something like "Well that sucks. I hope you are OK and we are here for you."

This is a single court ruling in one of many misdemeanor cases in the unfortunate history of a single human, one of billions that currently suck oxygen on a tiny blue planet orbiting a small yellow star in the backwaters of a typical galaxy in the expanse of one of an infinite number of realities that exist in the mind of G-d.

I am nothing special.

There will be those who claim that I am a terrible human being and should have all manner of terrible thing done to me as a result.

They are probably correct.

Or not.

They are is free to voice their threats and opinions and thoughts and views.

In that same freedom, I am able to acknowledge those things for what they are: ones and zeroes stored on computers.

They are nothing more.

It only has power over me if I let it.

In the words of our Serenity Prayer: "May G-d grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."

Truly the only thing I have the power to change is myself.

G-d, please give me the courage to do so.

Be well, do good work and keep in touch.

Ten Minutes Of My Thoughts...

What is that bird looking at?

That squirrel across the street is eating a giant pine cone. He makes it look REALLY good, like it's a corn dog or something.

Canada.

This chair smells like cheese.

When I die, will I want to to be stuffed, mounted and put on display like a trophy moose?

Pleated pants are beneath human dignity.

It's funny to think I have any dignity.

If we can teach a parrot to talk, why can't we teach a monkey to talk?

Most of my friends are drunks, hookers, felons and cokeheads. Thank G-d for that.

Pigeons in the street are called vermin and people hate them. Pigeons in fancy restaurants are called squab and sold for $50 apiece.

I miss Jeremy.

My favorite word to say over and over is "foyer."

My grandmother just might be the secret love child of Nikola Tesla and Mae West.

Porn.

As a synesthete, my favorite tasting word is sunshine.

There are 4,723 bricks in the wall across from me right now.

Porn.

No one will ever love me the way I never loved me.

Before I use the bathroom at night, I still check behind the shower curtain for monsters.

Sometimes I wish I would win the lottery. Then I am glad that I will never win the lottery.

I can feel neutrinos passing through me right this very second.

Porn.

What type of leather couch do I want to get?

Corgi or Great Dane or Bulldog- which is the cutest?

Coffee is a weird word.

My fingers sort of look like knobby sausages.

Finger is a weird word.