What is that bird looking at?
That squirrel across the street is eating a giant pine cone. He makes it look REALLY good, like it's a corn dog or something.
This chair smells like cheese.
When I die, will I want to to be stuffed, mounted and put on display like a trophy moose?
Pleated pants are beneath human dignity.
It's funny to think I have any dignity.
If we can teach a parrot to talk, why can't we teach a monkey to talk?
Most of my friends are drunks, hookers, felons and cokeheads. Thank G-d for that.
Pigeons in the street are called vermin and people hate them. Pigeons in fancy restaurants are called squab and sold for $50 apiece.
I miss Jeremy.
My favorite word to say over and over is "foyer."
My grandmother just might be the secret love child of Nikola Tesla and Mae West.
As a synesthete, my favorite tasting word is sunshine.
There are 4,723 bricks in the wall across from me right now.
No one will ever love me the way I never loved me.
Before I use the bathroom at night, I still check behind the shower curtain for monsters.
Sometimes I wish I would win the lottery. Then I am glad that I will never win the lottery.
I can feel neutrinos passing through me right this very second.
What type of leather couch do I want to get?
Corgi or Great Dane or Bulldog- which is the cutest?
Coffee is a weird word.
My fingers sort of look like knobby sausages.
Finger is a weird word.