Monday, October 10, 2011

All Uphill From Here...

So here I sit -  in this Starbucks, in this city, in this life.

So here I sit - homeless, unemployed, mentally ill, addicted, reputation ruined by my own misdeeds.

So here I sit - and  I am grateful to God for ALL of that. Sometimes. 

When I am not grateful for ALL of that, I try to ask for the capacity to be grateful for ALL of that. Sometimes.

When it all came crashing down, and I realized that I was all of the aforementioned and not the respected, successful natural resources lawyer with a military past who alluded he may have connections to a shadowy intelligence agency that I had convinced myself into almost believing I was, it may have been the most psychologically and spiritually painful realization of my life.

Many people do not know the detail to which I had planned out the alternate reality that I was inhabiting. 

In this world, I had created a whole social infrastructure of friends and family hat I visited in different locations. To support this I had found ways of convincing Foursquare that I was ACTUALLY in different locations, thereby allowing me to check in at places near and far. I had even gone as far as concocting the license plate on my 2007 Audi Allroad - "BTCHPLZ." 

Why did I need to do this? What process in my mind determined that the best way to handle the situation was to construct a parallel reality and attempt to inhabit that reality? Perhaps it was done in an attempt to make up for what I felt was an inadequacy in my life, that I did not measure up to others in some way. Maybe it was done to protect myself from something I was threatened by, that was going to somehow hurt me. Maybe some day this will be revealed to me. Maybe someday it will not. 

That reality is no more. I am now in this reality. This reality with all of its' flaws and perfections and misery and joy and heartache and wholeness. My link to this reality seems, for the moment, to be strong. I am on a medication regimen. I'm doing counseling and checking in routinely with a case manager at a local agency. Old friends I never knew I had are coming back into my life and new friends are emerging. I am trying to be here in my brokenness and my imperfection and destitution. 

It is terrifying. Utterly. Fucking. Terrifying. 

Moment by moment. 

Thought by thought.

Hour by hour. 

Word by word. 

Day by day.

Deed by deed. 

Be well, do good work and keep in touch. 


  1. You are loved as Ricked Strandloff.... the whole ugly, beautiful, messy, gloriousness that is ACTUALLY you. No more pretending.
    You got this.

  2. Thanks NBW.

    I am terrified.

    May God keep ALL of us.